Tuesday, June 25, 2013


Ephesians 2:8-9
"God saved you by his grace when you believed.  And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God.  Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it."
Growing up LDS I feel that Grace was never talked about nor understood.  My "turning point" into Christianity was when I understood what Grace is.
Justice: Getting what you deserve whether it is good or bad
Mercy: Not getting what you deserve
Grace: Getting better then what you deserve
Grace is a GIFT! It is something that we don't earn it is just given to us. It is definitely not something deserved, it's much better.  I am so grateful for this wonderful gift that I want to do good things to tell God thank you.  I recently heard a song that I think describes this perfectly.
All I can Do (Thank You) by Mikeschair
All I can do is thank you
For this life I never deserved
Wanna thank you for the grace
I know I don't have to earn
You love me, you love me
Your mercy is proof
All I can do is say thank you
All I can do is say thank you 

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Truth will set you free but first it will piss you off!

For the past 5 months I have experienced a lot of life changing experiences. 
I was raised LDS and have always been LDS.  Growing up all my closest friends were LDS and almost everybody I knew was LDS.  I guess that is the story of most Utah Mormons.  When I met my husband we had such a strong connection that it scared me.  You see he wasn't LDS and I had been taught to only date LDS boys so that I could be married in the temple and have an eternal family.  Despite what I had been taught I fell in love and wanted to be married to him.  I was extremely scared to tell my parents that I was going to marry this boy who could not take me to the temple.  I am sure that people talked and judged me for what I was doing but I couldn't shake the fact that I loved him and I knew I was suppose to marry him.
The first year was hard.  We fought about religion a lot.  I realized that I didn't want him to believe because of me I wanted him to believe because of him.  For most of our marriage I went to church by myself hoping that one day (in this life or the next) he would know "the truth".
When Aleecia turned 8 it is customary for kids to be baptized.  In my heart I believed that Aleecia wasn't ready and I never pushed her to choose.  Again I wanted her to believe for herself and not because of what I wanted.
A few months ago David came to me with some serious questions about the church.  He had been cruising the churches website.  They were questions I couldn't answer or my answer was "Maybe not in this lifetime but the next".  He asked me to have an open mind and look at other churches.  That was hard for me at first because all my life I had been taught that all other churches were not true.  I finally came to realize that if the church true then looking at other faiths would either grow my testimony or I would find "the truth".
The first thing I had to do was talk to the bishop and ask him to release me from my current calling.  I loved my calling as a Relief Society teacher and it was hard for me to do.  I was afraid that he would try and convince me not to look and I was afraid that my friends would think I was "a confused soul".  Mentally I was concerned with what others would think and was scared.
I knew I believed in Jesus and wanted to stick with Christianity in our search.  I asked our nephews girlfriend who had left the church a year before what church she went to.  It was a Non-Denominal Christian church and I felt like that was a good place to start.  Our first time going I was afraid for two reasons number one I was worried about my kids and number two I was afraid that I wouldn't feel "the spirit".  When we first walked into the church we got our kids checked into their classes and I felt they were going to be safe.  Then we went into the worship hall.  It was different then what either of us had experienced with church.  They had a band playing and big screens with the words of the songs.  We stood there and listened to the music and read the words on the screen.  I loved the words and I felt the spirit there.  The sermon was about the bible and the reliability of it (some questions that had come up previously).  After church we asked Aleecia if she liked the church and she loved it.

It has been several months since I started writing this blog entry and a lot has developed since.  I will just take off from where I left off.  We continued to attend the above mentioned church.  I decided I needed more information on the differences between the LDS beliefs and Christian beliefs.  David and I were fortunate enough to attend a special class that taught those differences.  It was taught by people who were formally LDS so I felt comfortable there cause they too had the same feelings and thoughts as I did.  We had been going for a while when the subject of Grace came up.  I had never been taught much about grace in the LDS faith.  The major difference between the two was in the LDS faith they believe that through works we are worthy of Jesus' Grace.  In Christianity we receive grace as a gift if we believe in him.  After class I told David that deep down that is what I had always believed to be true in my heart.  Nobody knows us better then God and God is the ultimate Judge.  He then asked me why I was Mormon.  The truth is I didn't know there was anything out there that taught that without all the other "Religious" stuff attached.

After some heartfelt prayers I decided to send in my letter of recognition to the church.  I was surprised at how quickly I got notification that my name had been removed from the churches records.  My bishop stopped by to let me know that my letter had been sent.  I know he felt sad that I had left and probably thought Satan had got a hold of me but, the truth is God got a hold of me and I couldn't be happier.

I feel so much closer to God then I have in my entire life!  Leaving the church is the hardest thing I have ever done but, the reward has made it so worth it.  I am still the same person I have always been but now I feel like I have been changed from the inside out.  I am still learning and I am so excited about where I am going.


Thursday, February 9, 2012

1 week

Yesterday I went to the Dr. for my 1 week follow-up.  To my surprise they said I was looking really good.  I don't have to wear that awful greasy ointment anymore I can use a cream now.  I still have to wash my face 4 times a day but at least I don't have to apply the cream as often as the ointment.  I'm still peeling and itchy.  I noticed some yellowing on my right side and they said it was just bruising. 

Monday, February 6, 2012

I'm Molting

Days 3,4,5,and 6 I have been itchy and peeling!  I have to wash my face four times a day, apply antibiotic ointment twice a day, I have to apply healing ointment every 30 to 60 minutes, and I have to do light therapy once a day.  I have struggled with applying the stupid healing ointment every 30 to 60 minutes.  I forget or I get too busy feeding Eva or putting her down for naps.  My face has been peeling and I have struggled to not peel it.  I am going a little crazy just staying hidden at home but its for the best.  The other day Aleecia's friend came selling stuff for dance and I'm sure I freaked her out.  When I told Aleecia that I probably scared her friend she said she had warned her that I was "freaky". 

Right side

Left side

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Day 1

When I first decided to have this procedure I was expecting it to be a lot more painful!  I feel no pain!  Yesterday I had a doctors appointment just to check my healing.  They showed me how to wash my face.  It's a complicated procedure just to wash my face and I don't feel like it cleans anything.  After washing my face they put these lights on my face to help promote healing and sent me home with a smaller version to do at home. Since having to apply greasy ointment to my face every 30 min. I have started to breakout in small little white heads.  But, every time I wash my face a little bit of blood sluffs off and it looks better.
After Day 1

After Day 1 right side

After Day 1 left side

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The "Procedure"

Yesterday I did it!  I had my acne scars treated.  David brought me to my appointment with my med.s in hand.  When it was time to go back to the room it was a short goodbye.  The MA was great.  We got back into the room and I took my Percocet and Valium.  She gave me a headband and cap to wear.  She hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and she applied the topical numbing cream.  While we were waiting for it to work we chatted about pregnancy and I told her my horror stories about pregnancy since there was a chance she might be pregnant.  (Poor thing I probably scared the poop out of her.)  I kept licking my lips which was a dumb thing to do cause it caused my tongue to go numb.  Once my skin was numb Dr. Taylor came in and injected numbing medication into the sides of my face where he would be inserting the tool.  Sometimes the numbing medication can cause some burning and stinging but I didn't have a problem.  After he inserted a long needle into my face and injected it with a saline (water) Lidocaine mixture.  It's used to swell the skin and numb at the same time.  It was so bizarre cause I could see my cheeks puff up and feel my skin stretching.  When I was all "puffy" he inserted his special tool and started cutting away at the scar band that are beneath the skin.  It made the weirdest noise.  I didn't feel anything though.  Once all the bands were cut they applied the chemical peel on.  It burned like a sun burn from HELL.  They were nice and sprayed my face with more numbing cream.  Last Dr. Taylor took the laser to my cheeks.  I couldn't feel most of it cause I was still numb but there were parts where I could feel it.  It kind of felt like what I imagine a taser would feel like.  After the laser they applied wet gauze to my face.  Once everything was cleaned up they let David come in.  The look on his face was priceless.  I asked him if he still loved me.  I don't he knew what to say.  Once  they sat me up I could see my reflection in the window.  I didn't even look like myself.  I was a scary monster.  On the way home we were laughing about how hideous I looked.  If I gained 100 pounds that is what I would look like.  I had trouble talking cause of all the swelling and numbness.  B's were the hardest thing to pronounce.  I couldn't open and close my eyes very well either.  I looked like a deer caught in headlights.  Now to applying this greasy ointment on every 30 min. for at least a week!
I said I wanted to document this process and what better way to document then to take pictures.  Here is a picture of a scary monster after the procedure.
After Procedure

After Procedure R side

After Procedure L side

 Still swollen from the saline and bloody from the laser treatment.

Monday, January 30, 2012


For my birthday my husband wanted to give me something special.  Somehow he came across this procedure they do for acne scars.  He looked into  it and asked me if it was something I would want.  Of course it was something I wanted.  When I had acne I had no idea the scars that were hiding under all that acne.  Now that I have the acne under control I still have the scars physically and mentally. 
So, tomorrow I go in to have my scars improved.

Dr. Taylor has combined tumescent anesthesia (to numb the skin), subcision (a process of undermining and loosening adhesions beneath the scars using a micro dissector), TCA chemical peels, horizontal resurfacing to remove scar ridges, and ablative fractional laser treatments.

So, basically what that means is they numb my skin with a topical, then they inject saline and lidocaine under my skin to make it swell and lift off my face, then Dr. Taylor invented this special tool that he takes and cuts all the scar tissue under the skin, then they do a chemical peel to even out skin tone, last they go over the scars with a laser (its kind of like aerating the skin). 

I think I am more excited then I am nervous.  The hardest part of this whole thing is having to apply ointment on my skin every 30 minutes during the day and every 2 hours at night.  I can't leave the house or sit next to a window cause they don't want me exposing my skin to sun.  I'm looking forward to looking like a burn victim! ha ha.

I wanted to document this process so I have posted some wonderful before pictures.  No make-up.  Scary!  A lot of people say my scars are not that bad but, to me its the only thing I see when I look in the mirror.  This is my last thing to getting over my painful past of having acne!

Left side

Right side